'I often wonder if it especially the elder sons who want to live up to the expectations of their parents and be considered obedient and dutiful. They often want to please. They often fear being a disapointment to their parents. But they often experience, quite early in life, a certain envy toward their younger brothers and sisters, who seem less concerned about pleasing and much freer in "doing their own thing." For me, this was certainly the case. And all my life I harbored a strange curiosity for the disobedient life that I myself didn't dare to live, but which I saw being lived by many around me. I did all the proper things, mostly complying with the agenda set by the many parental figures in my life - teachers, spiritual directors, bishops, and popes - but at the same time I often wondered why I didn't have the courage to "run away" as the younger son did.
It is strange to say this, but deep in my heart, I have known the feeling of envy toward the wayward son. It is the emotion that arises when I see my friends having a good time doing all sorts of things that I condemn. I called their behaviour reprehensible or even immoral, but at the same time I often wondered why I didn't have the nerve to do some of it or all of it myself.'
Henri JM Nouwen, The Return of the Prodigal Son, p.69.
