MALE FRIENDSHIP

'The myths of masculinity in our culture have isolated men from each other and impaired their ability to honor and bless one another. Too many men have too few intimate friends. Their friendships run only as deep as the things they do together. By finding male friends to go deeper with, the need for intimacy can be met in nonsexual ways with these male friends. When this happens the intensity of the need for intimacy is not funelled through sexual intercourse with a woman; it can be shared across many relationships. Sexual intimacy may be experienced with one woman, but intimacy can be experienced with others as well. Not all intimacy is genital, so do not feel restricted in your relationships with your brothers in Christ.'

William M Struthers, Wired for Intimacy, p.186.

ACCOUNTABILITY & MENTORING

'Often men look for accountability with their peers, but a man needs a mentor to give him wisdom that his peers cannot. Peers can struggle with the same issues, be unaware of their own flaws, overestimate their knowledge of the problem or not have enough life experience to make sense of it at all. Men who surround themsleves with their peers and proudly refuse to accept the counsel of their elders fall into a locker room mentality. In the locker room mentality, peers go through the motions of accountability; they all know they are lying, but no-one wants to call another out lest he be called out. This accountability has no substance, no bite, and is sign of a shallow relationship. Many of these peer accountability relationships eventually dissolve.

A mentor is someone who has dealt with the trials and challenges and found redemption. Just as a team needs a coach to keep them honest, so should a man have someone he respects and can learn from, walking with them along the path to holiness. When the relationship is deep and life-encompassing, our lives are spent in community. When the relationship is deep enough a mentor can tell when a man is stumbling. He can see that trouble is approaching and warn a man about upcoming battle.'

William M Struthers, Wired for Intimacy, p.185.

INTIMACY

'Sexual attraction is relational energy; it pushes us. It is rooted in the relational image of God. The tension we experience when the drive for intimacy kicks in propels us to seek communion with others. Human sexuality allows for the mystery, beauty, diversity, and complexity of human life to be explored and for deepening bonds of intimacy to be formed. We have to move away from thinking that the sole purpose of our sexuality is intercourse.

When the need to be known is met regularly, the sexual drive is decreased. When it is not regularly satisfied, the force of it builds. As the drive increases, we become less able to make wise decisions about how we meet it. A starving man will eat anything that is put before him. An intimacy-neglected man will grasp at any available opportunity to know or be known. The need for intimacy will build without emotional connection, and he will look for this connection in unhealthy and unproductive places (such as pornography, strip clubs or prostitutes). These places and experiences do not truly meet the need for intimacy, so the drive will return quickly. It is only temporarily assuaged by these imposters. This emotional experiences are designed to have relational objects - real people - which anchor them.

The intimacy-starved man is analogous to someone who tries to meet his body's need for food by only eating chocolate. It may taste good, but it doesn't meet the true needs of the body. The body needs a complete diet, not just sugar. It needs vitamins and minerals. A diet of pure sugar makes the body obese, sluggish, underdeveloped and can lead to diabetes. The need for intimacy is like the need for a complete diet. It has many dimensions that are best satisfied through multiple means, not just the sugar of sexual relations.'

William M Struthers, Wired for Intimacy, p.160.

PORNOGRAPHY

'Because of the way that the male brain is wired, it is prone to pick up on sexually relevant cues. These cues trigger arousal and a series of neurological hormonal and neurochemical events are set in motion. Memories about how to respond to these cues are set off and the psychological, emotional and behavioral response begins. As the pattern of arousal and response continues, it deepens the neurological pathway, making a trough.

The neural system trough, along with neurotransmitters and hormones, are the underlying physical realities of a man's sexual experience. Each time that an unhealthy sexual pattern is repeated, a neurological, emotional and spiritual erosion carves out a channel that will eventually develop into a canyon from which there is no escape.

But if this corrupted pathway can be avoided, a new pathway can be formed. We can establish a healthy sexual pattern where the flow is redirected towards holiness rather than corrupted intimacy. By intentionally redirecting the neurochemical flow, the path toward right thinking becomes the preferred path and is established as the mental habit. The path to recovery relies on the very rules that govern how the wounds were initially created. By deepening the "holiness" pathways, we are freed from deciding to do what is right and good as they become part of our embodied nature. That is part of the process of sanctification.'

William M Sruthers, Wired for Intimacy, p.106.

PORNOGRAPHY

'Sexually acting out in response to pornography creates sexual associations that are stored as hormonal and neurological habits. These associations are seared into the fabric of the brains. These memories can then be pulled up at any time and replayed as private sexual fantasies. In sexual fantasy, the neurological circuit is replayed, further strengthening it. The result is an increase in autonomic sexual arousal, which requires an outlet. These memories and fantasies keep him in bondage and worsen the consequences of the earlier behavior.'

William M Struthers, Wired for Intimacy, p.59.

PORNOGRAPHY

'Just as food is consumed and digested by the body, pornography is consumed by the senses and digested by the brain. In the digestive process, food is broken down so that it can supply the body with energy. Waste products are excreted to ensure the health of the organism. Similarly, pornography is taken into the brain via our senses primarily through sight and touch. However, there is no process for the "waste" products associated with pornography to be removed. Pornography and our response to it alter our brain in a way that is difficult to undo. Pornography is the consumption of sexual poison that becomes part of the fabric of the mind.'

William M Struthers, Wired for Intimacy: How pornography hijacks the male brain, p.20.