SELF-ESTEEM

'Another aphorism that should be chucked is "You must love yourself before you love others." A mountain of research shows that people who have good relationships with other people are happier and less depressed - and have higher self-esteem. The idea that self-esteem rises fully formed and perfect from inside the individual is a complete myth. We develop our sense of ourselves primarily from interacting with others. There is nothing wrong with this. Not only that, but narcissists - people who really love themsleves - are horrible relationships partners. Self-centred people are rarely fun to be around, and we all know this. So why do we keep telling people to love themselves first before others? Beats me. An aphorism that makes more a lot more sense, to modernize John Donne, is "No one is an island."'

Jean M Twenge, Generation Me, p.227.

SELF-ESTEEM

'Much of the "self-esteem movement" actually encourages narcissim, or the belief that one is better and more important than anyone else. Narcissism is a very negative personality trait linked to aggression and poor relationships with others. Somehow we've developed the notion that it's not OK to have a few insecurities, but it is OK to think you're the greatest and everyone else should get out of your way.'

Jean M Twenge, Generation Me, p.224.

FRIENDSHIP

'Friends of mine who are lawyers and accountants often find it difficult to spare the time for a movie, a phone call to a long-distance friends, or a casual chat with a neighbor. In The Cost of Living, Barry Schwartz desribes a former student who says his friendships "were not that close. Everyone was too busy. He thought twice about burdening friends with his life and problems because he knew how consumed they were with their own, and what a sacrifice it would entail for them to spend the time required to listen to him and help him out." I put a Post-it note on that page and wrote, "This is a very familiar story."'

Jean M Twenge, Generation Me, p.115.

SELF

'We speak the language of the self as our native tongue. So much of the "common sense" advice that's given these days includes some variation on "self":

• Worried about how to act in a social situation? "Just be yourself."
• What's the good thing about your alcoholism/drug addiction/murder conviction? "I learned a lot about myself."
• Concerned about your performance? "Believe in yourself."(Often followed by "anything is possible.")
• Should you buy that new pair of shoes, or get the nose ring? "Yes, express yourself!"
• Why should you leave the unfulfilling relationship/quit the boring job/tell off you mother-in-law? "You have to respect yourself."
• Trying to get rid of the bad habit? "Be honest with yourself."
• Confused about about the best time to date or get married? "You have to love yourself before you can love someone else."
• Should you express your opinion? "Yes, stand up for yourself."'

Jean M Twenge, Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled - and More Miserable Than Ever Before, p.50.