TEN MYTHS ABOUT SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS

'...ten myths that have emerged from common sexual and relationship scripts. (We are, however, not personally contesting or endorsing these myths). We can them myths not so much because they're categorically untrue. We call them myths because the empirical data from surveys and interviews suggests they aren't true most of the time. In other words, these ten myths may be believed by many emerging-adult men and women, but the evidence supporting them just isn't there.' (p.242)

1. 'Long term exclusivity is a fiction.' 'When we ask our students in class how long half of all marriages last, they fumble around for a response, guessing five years, or seven, or 10 tops. Their minds, of course, are focused on the average time-until-divorce. But the answer, which never occurs to them is a lifetime.' (p.242)
2. 'The introduction of sex is necessary in order to sustain a fledgling or struggling relationship.' 'Most relationships fail, and the sooner relationships become sexual, the greater their odds of failure.' (p.243).
3. 'The sexual double standard is inherently wrong and must be resisted by any means.' 'The double standard in sex is real and quite durable, and there's only effective way to resist it - and that is for women to attempt to feel and think and pursue sex like men.' (p.244).
4. 'Boys will be boys. That is, men can't be expected to abide by sexual terms that women may wish to set.' 'The reality, however, is that this scenario is not fixed. Men will live up to - or down to - the expectations placed upon them.' (p.244)
5.  'It doesn't matter what other people do sexually; you make your own decisions.' 'Other people's sexual choices matter. Collectively they function as a powerful constraint on our own behaviour.' (p.245).
6. 'Porn won't affect your relationships' '...porn's effect on the wider sexual market and its norms affect most Americans under 50, whether they're married or not.' (p.246).
7. 'Everyone else is having more sex than you are.' '...the average numbers of sexual partners emerging adults have are not as high as many imagine.' (p.247).
8. 'Sex need not mean anything.' 'This myth might not be a myth for you if you own a set of XY chromosomes. But if you're an XX, the odds are against it.' (p.247).
9. 'Marriage can always wait.' 'Many lose sight of the fact - or more commonly, realize too late - that there is a marriage market out there, just like there's a sexual market. It's a pool that does not grow deeper and more impressive with age.' (p.249).
10. 'Moving in together is definitely a step toward marriage.' '...cohabitation is still about uncertainty and risk management for both men and women.' (p.250)

 Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker, Premarital Sex in America, p.242-250.

SEX & RELATIONSHIPS

'Her dialogue around sex and relationships is filled with common normative claims, and repeated one cliche after another. In a  few short sentences, we detect several norms:

• If you don't follow your heart, you'll always wonder what might have been.
• Men tend to move on in relationships. If women don't, they'll eventually get hurt.
• What matters most is you. A relationship can only augment the self.
• Sexual relationships just happen, and they run their course in due time.
• Youth shouldn't be wasted. It's the best time to try on new experiences and relationships.'

Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker, Premarital Sex in America, p.211.

SEX

'The pattern suggests that plenty of college students think  that they don't have sex as much as other people do and aren't as comfortable with uncommited sex as other people are, but generally don't wish to appear so. In other words, many college students are more sexually conservative than they prefer to let on. They're afraid to appear prudish, which strikes many as a social kiss of death.

The results of pluralistic ignorance about others' sex lives, however, can "lead one or both sexual partners to act according to the perceived norm rather than to their own convictions." In other words, sex becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: "The more students believe sexual activity is occuring, the more sexual activity occurs." In a study of over 700 undergraduates, researchers noted that men who considerably overestimated the sexual activity of their male peers were also 11 times more likely to have had sexual intercourse in the last month that were those who underestimated men's sexual activity.'

Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker, Premarital Sex in America, p.119.

PORNOGRAPHY

'...prolonged exposure to such uncommon erotica is known to lead both teens and adults to do several things:

• overestimate the popularity and pleasure of less common forms of sexual behaviour,
• presume that sexual exclusivity is both unrealistic and uncommon in real life,
• believe that sexual inactivity is actually bad for one's health,
• hold cynical attitudes about love, affection, and marriage/ family.'

Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker, Premarital Sex in Marriage, p.94.

INTIMACY

'Communicating with words is...perceived as a more intimate activity than "body language." Psychologist Jeffrey Arnett notes the irony in which "two people could be unembarrassed enough to have sex with each other yet too embarrassed to talk about contraception." To imagine staying up late into the night feasting on a wide-ranging conversation now strikes many as something one does after commencing a sexual relationship, not before. Thus one hallmark of a classic hookup scenario is silence. Talking is perceived as potentially ruinous to the moment. When did talking get to be so sacred? When did honest, verbal communication outpace the meeting of penis and vagina in its degree of intimacy?'

Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker, Premarital Sex in America: How Young Americans Meet, Mate and Think about Marrying, p.75.